clessaileron: (Estelle With Mint's Hat)
[personal profile] clessaileron
This has been difficult. I'll say that this is definitely the year where I felt like my mind has fallen apart. It was pretty noticeable for me earlier in the year but as it goes on, I think it gets worse. There has been times where in previous years where I do feel like it was a rotten year, each time worse than the last time. This one's no different, though I could say it's worse. I figured it's time to get a lot more open about this. For some people that knows me already, this may be retreading things they already know but I figure it's the best way to talk about. I'm also willing to show some moment that don't paint a pretty picture of me (and I do mean that).

Note: If you're coming here as one of the Abyssal Chronicles chatbox regular, as I said there, I will be allowing non-sign in comments but please, please, please make sure you say who you are so I know who I'm talking to (I'm just trying to be loose with how this is being handled. I will also be screening them first since I never dealt with anonymous posting before).

This is one of the things I mention as something that's going to be a retread for some people that knows me. It's about me & my condition. I do have something wrong with me in a mental sense. It has been described previously as PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) which had some signs of autism. It was early 2012 where I did get tested to get an exact diagnosis leading to, "It is autism." (Well, the high functioning kind but, yeah, it's that). So, it's still a problem with me where it counts. I mean, the doctors on the navy bases has pretty much classified me as someone disabled that my dad's military stuff covers me pretty much for the rest of my life (withstanding other things, though that's doubtful to happen).

That condition has made me have some seriously unnerving rage moments & some morbidly social anxieties (both online & offline). I had moments where I broke down into tears where I shouldn't (and because of that, I push myself to suppress it and it's become harder for me to shed a tear...and I feel like it's going to feel very unhealthy for me at some point). Even with that condition, I still don't have much forgiveness within myself.

On one part, I was bullied during my middle school/high school years. I get so easily provoke that in fact, during the first grade, I was teased for being so easily provoked. It was during middle school where it got really bad. People provoking me, flicking my ears, students pulling down my pants during gym class, not leaving me alone. I lost it so bad one time that I actually punch one of the girl that was provoking me and was enough to suspend me from school for a week. When I look back at it, I still feel like, "Stop being a wuss! They'll go away if you would just stand up for yourself, dumbass!" I still remember one moment in high school that, after gym class, someone swiped my backpack while they weren't looking, tossed it into the shower area, and turned the water on, soaking my backpack. Did I get any sympathy? No! I just get told by a peer about not being a wuss & standing up for myself. These days, I actually have no sympathy for my younger self for being bullied ("Stop being a victim, you wuss!"). Again, I was even picked on in first grade because it was so easy to provoke me.

I felt this tying in with how I start losing my mind when I feel too much negative energy around me. If there was one thing I was really not looking forward to in regards to Tales of Symphonia Chronicles, it was having to see the ultra hatred of Dawn of the New World. When I think about the hate Emil gets, though, it definitely makes me feel more self-hatred. I originally hated Luke for being "emo" but he seem to have been more liked than Emil (it now seems like they're both hated so much). I remember seeing someone say that Luke had every right to be emo while Emil was just some wuss that had no reason to be emo and should just go die in a fire. I know there was some skit in the game where Emil reference his uncle abusing him. I now end up feeling like even if people sees that, they'll still say Emil deserves no sympathy and really should be sticking up for himself, even to his uncle. But because he doesn't, he deserves to be bullied and abused by his uncle. I even feel like people would want to see him kill in a Mortal Kombat-esque way.

While I'm at it, though I have seen people say stuff about how Tales changed their life, I haven't really felt like Tales was like that for me. Particularly recently, where I have feelings of alienation due to how I've been stuck in the past with the Tales game and that the fandom, thinking about it, I've struggled with them. I think a lot of it does have to do with having so many unpopular opinions. While I didn't feel so alienated back in my day, I have been now feeling it particularly recently. It has also made me think of something in regards to the fandom (but that's for another time since I feel it should be its own post).

Another thing, it's the political & social issues lately that has cause me to really break down into losing my mind. This is the year where racial & gender issue was just smacking in the face and saying, "Stop being such an ignorant dumbass, dumbass!" For the record, I am part Filipino (making me part Asian) and half-white (going as far as tracing it down to German ancestry), so what I'm thinking has some context to it. I've seen two things happen this year that shows how much of a problem both of these are. One is a gender issue fiasco that is so despicable that, heck, I refuse to even mention it by name. The other one is a racism issue that makes it known why the rest of the world thinks the USA is filled with morons because minorities are being screwed over (The one that happened in Missouri. Yeah, that one. It's so widespre). When I read about this stuff, it makes me realize just how naive and ignorant I really am about this stuff.

Of course, I can't really talk about my mind falling apart without talking about how I'm constantly feeling problems with a certain friend of mine. Now that I think about it, I always had problems handling him. Even if I admit I do have other people around me that are politically incorrect, something about this particular friend and his run of political incorrectness tends to get to me. Maybe because a lot of times, he does have a "Don't give a damn" attitude. It's difficult to feel comfortable around him especially when my mom has respect for him. Not to mention, I feel like he gets (or tries to get) involved with a lot of things I do (with pretty few exceptions).

That's probably where I realize assholes weren't the only reason I quit Final Fantasy XIV. I always feel like when I'm on, he's wanting to butt into what I'm doing whenever I got onto the game. When that drama happened about me revealing to him that assholes was why I quit, I knew he was going to try to convince me to not quit. Look, even if I go admitting I don't have a life, that doesn't mean I want to make an MMORPG my entire non-existent life. I mean, really, someone who considers himself a lone wolf, with some anti-social anxieties playing an MMORPG where I have to deal with random people? Not to mention, someone that's easily stressed out and can't handle the demand of working as a team & not screwing something up. Doesn't sound like a great equation. Honestly, I didn't want him to find out I was playing Final Fantasy XIV because I knew he was going to want to get involved with what I'm doing. I never really admitted it but his peer pressure was also why I quit playing Final Fantasy XIV (to my credit, this was the longest commitment I had to an MMORPG). This was where I vented on Facebook about me quitting of FFXIV of going, "Do I look like some damsel in distress or something?" as if he's needing to come save me or something in regards to this game. I constantly feel like he sucks up to me and I feel annoyed by it. It's not like I haven't been isolated on or offline.

With other things about him, he comes off like he knows everything that matters. Then that one racism situation comes up & the outcome really have one hell of an unpleasant reaction (believe me, it was ugly). I go spitting out all the things I realize about the issue. White privilege, minority (maybe I should be saying people of color) being screwed over, not enough diversity in the media, how everything is being run by white culture, and the white man gets away with way too much. He goes acting like everything I said about that is a bunch of bull. He goes telling me the so-called minority are running things now, he doesn't notice problems with the lack of diversity in the media, and claiming he and I are not privileged just because we're white (well, part white in my case but I think my physical look makes me look more white so whatever). He goes doing the same thing when I bring up the sexism issue, saying that there are problems with the feminists and how they whine about objectification. He brings up a moment where a male scientist managed to recently place a probe or something on a comet. This scientist happened to be wearing some shirt a lady friend made with women in bikini when talking about this. Instead of focusing on the great accomplishment for humanity, feminists were focused on the shirt objectifying women and somehow made the scientist cry a few days later. I don't even know what to say because it still feels like what he said doesn't help me with handling the issues. I still feel like he's full of crap.

Considering the above, I still feel like he's being ignorant but after I just lost it towards him, I'm going to look at it this way. If I'm still running with the idea that he's being ignorant, then even if him being ignorant is true, then I realize I was being more ignorant than he is. I now feel like an absolute douchebag about it. I'm only really throwing a lot of accusations towards him because I'm more obsessed with calling him out on these issues and not backing it up myself (or instead, telling him, "Do more Google searching!" in the idea that what you need to know is out there)

I feel this way because I'm a spineless person (even at my age) that can't handle stress & frustration which doesn't help with my mental condition. I still have no sympathy for my younger self getting bullied because I let people roll all over me. I constantly feel that being critical is my most recessive trait and even when I feel like I'm finally doing so, people are going to feed me bull over it because my eyes are finally wide open. Heck, it happens with entertainment stuff because of being critical being one of my recessive traits or knowing fun isn't enough (I even had a Tumblr post about it when I discuss many of those element in regards to a certain polarizing Resident Evil game and a bunch of Tales related stuff).

A lot of these issues have made me feel a lot more distant and even seeing so much of the political & social issue stuff making me lose my mind made me I needed to distant myself from some people (and now, I'm having to do a social media blackout). I have been feeling this year was where my condition has been even harder to handle. It has been getting hard for me to make post, whenever it was on Facebook, Twitter, this blog, or even Tumblr. All of this stuff has gotten me to be in such a depressive state and even feeling like I should get no sympathy (even saying something like, "Even if you know all this now, I still want to swing that banhammer at me if you feel I am deserving of being smacked by that banhammer."

That's pretty much what I'm wanting to talk about here. I felt I needed to say something about this. It's been hard for me with the mental stuff I had to deal with in regards to myself.
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December 2016


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